Boundaries aka NO

BOUNDARIES –  Few years ago I had no idea what that meant. And when I finally found out what that word means and what it can do to your life and happiness it’s a complete puzzle piece to freeing your soul and becoming happy.

I grew up in a NO environment.  I am from Estonia, part of that time I was raised in a Soviet occupied Estonia.  Europeans, Eastern Europeans are often walking around and minding their own business,  in my words, or some may say they are “rude or mean”. I am sure some maybe rude or mean, but you can’t generalize countries or people. There are nice, rude, mean, happy, generous and sad people in every country and every nation.  In my youth everything was always a  NO, so you had to really fight for what you wanted.  I never had to learn to protect my boundaries, I had to brake boundaries to get what I wanted. You see, your boundaries really do not matter  noone minds your business, they leave you alone and mind their own.

But, when I moved to US, it was all opposite. Here everyone is walking around minding everyone else’s business, and everyone is happy and nice and smiley, again you can’t generalize because there are happy, nice, angry, mean and rude people in every country and in every nation. But here it took me a long time to change the way my mind worked. I had to learn how to say no, because everyone was always saying yes to everything even though they always didn’t mean it. That caused a whole lot of problems. I have been called rude just because I walk around minding my own business,  because I would say No when I felt like it, and I only said yes when I meant to say Yes. Trust me, I tried to go along with this always YES game, but it never worked.

But boundaries are something important to learn about. It is my observation that a lot of the unhappiness, and the state of mind where we are right now is because we don’t have our own boundaries set, therefore we can’t respect other people’s boundaries. Obviously everyone has their own compass and can give and take what is suitable to them ONLY and be ONLY responsible for themselves, but when you don’t have any boundaries you don’t know that, because it takes to know yourself first to honor and respect other people’s boundaries and differences.

So, to  give you some guidelines:

Get to know yourself, start tuning in with your heart and values.  Figure out what you allow and what you don’t allow. Write them down for yourself to figure out what it is that makes you uncomfortable and comfortable. Writing them down is a good idea for yourself because you will get pursued left and right by people around you.

Be direct – indirect communication is so common nowadays, so much so that reading between the lines has  become it’s own language, eyeroll. Being direct is an act of courage. But if you can learn the art of being direct and being nice at the same time, you should have some luck. Good luck.

Use your inner guide when you are saying YES and when you are saying NO. Obviously there are things we cannot say no to like taking care of our children or going to work but you know what I mean. When Tatiana is asking you to watch her kids a little more often than you want to then you have to say NO. Wrong name used here because Tatiana would probably never do that. Because saying YES in the instance when you mean NO, creates resentment and will create a war inside you within yourself, this happens little by little, mm by mm. Be super conscious what you allow and don’t allow and learn the art of doing it.

Dont’t feel quilty. When you tune in and become self-aware and confident in your internal guide and values, which may take a lot of work, you will love and respect yourself so much that you will recognize the feeling of quilt come up but you can change that feeling to loving yourself even more.

Ask for what you want. Part of boundaries is also knowing what you want and knowing how to ask for it, and the most important thing, knowing how to take a NO. When you respect other’s boundaries, and respect your own boundaries you cannot expect other’s to know what you want or try to manipulate them into thinking what you want with some indirect “gray” language, you have to ask for what you want and after you ask, drop all expectation. Align with your value, know your intent and surrender.

Love yourself first, so you can love others. All this boundary work is a great concept and so needed in today’s world, as in the past so much suppression, superiority and dictating was going on and still is. It is so deeply ingrained into so many and the “sensitive and subordinate”  will get plowed over by the dominance of  the counter. So change the course, stay true to your knowing and feeling and stand up and love yourself fully, so you can love others.

 

 

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